sigh... i cant even look at the pictures for more that 5 seconds anymore without feeling guilty...
however, what's done is done... i cannot undo it now... not now...
unless they forgive me and i them...
but i know i just cant remove it in my life... i have to admit i also had my share of fun...
hehehe...
so much for the drama...
hahaha... i just realized something...
and if youre wondering why this blog is not kept to myself and set in a
private mode... i had to admit that i have to let people know so that
they will be aware from now on...
it is quite... ok, may quite is an understatement... known that the sentence: i miss you is one of the most overly used expression of feelings, yes? even i use that often...
sometimes there even comes a time when there will be no words to
explain how much i would miss him or her... however, when that certain
person come and spends a time with, let us say, me... i just think, no,
i think the person easily gets bored with me... moreover, i shudder to
think that that person does not feel that he or she is truly missed...
i do not deny that i easily bore people... i can hardly maintain a
conversation if the meeting is planned, even not... my interests does
not exactly grasp theirs and i am afraid that silence is much longer
than the conversation supposed to be held...
let me begin my account...
me and my sister are the only ones left in the house since my mother
along with my father and brother left for mindanao for some business
that none of you are concerned... i got an unexpected call from my dear
cousin--kuia coly-- telling us that he would be coming... we just
arrived from church and have brought our lunch and dinner... we humbly
told him that we dont have anything to treat him and he told us that we
need not worry because he will treat us for lunch...
oh the joy! we will spare the money! hahahaha!... and so we agreed...
but then we realized that the house is currently in the state of utter
mess! we cleaned every visible "macro"mess leaving the "micro"mess
until the planned cleaning date to prepare quickly for his arrival...
when he arrived, the house was... i dont know what else to say but at
least no macromess was visible... i even sweeped the muddy terrace
leaving few mudtracks on the marble floor.
we went out and ate lunch... when he was paying for our lunches... i
was panicking... im afraid of another:
i-will-certainly-definitely-utterly-bore-him-to-the-next-century
mode... so i asked my sister if he could help me in generating a
topic... at one point i asked him if we (actually it was more of an I, implicitly) bore him and he said that he is usually quiet while eating--so much for the manners, HaLe...
when we went home... my insufferable, cruely left me to my own devices
and proceeded to watching the movies that I BORROWED and I BURNED...
and i was left to rot and entertain my cousin by forcing myself of
topics so that we could talk...
after a while he called his dad and let him talk to me... i called my
mom informing her he was here... then he let me copy some of the
contents of his PSP... then... he slept... he snored... he slept... and
snored some more...
that was more likely 14:00... he cant go home since twas raining and only has a jacket...
i woke him asking if he prefers the bedroom (that i quickly arranged,
checking that there are no undies lying somewhere---youll never
know...) he insisted on the hard, wooden, couch...
we were afraid to leave him alone so we forgot to fetch the laundry... again... mom will be in fits now...
it was getting darker... we "plotted" to have him over for dinner...
and arranged the bed and prepare some clothes in case of emergency...
also prepared a cap and umbrella should he refuse to stay for the
night...
he refused to have dinner... fine... hehehe... the rice was to small
and the dinner was cold because my witty sister shoved it in the
freezer... good thing the fridge was not on...
realization: i realize that when a person is present, i find it more
comfortable and less awkward when i just feel his or her presence...
sometimes not saying anything... or just like this... sleeping...
hehehe...
a bit boring...
no...
bit is another understatement...
i know..
now... it is 21:30... my mom has decided to let him stay for the night...
hehe... i kind of wished for it too...
even though kuia coly has an air or coolness that i could not
describe... i would still miss him... he's family so i guess it is
natural... no? hehehe...
i'll wake him up later to transfer him to the room...
he's still sleeping...
masakit eh... at this stage i often think about those eyes. the look it gave me when we held each other's even for a moment. it was emotionless. cold. and there was something in it i just cant grasp. i saw and i tried to avoid but someone called me back and i didn't know what mad me look into it...
it has been long since i have posted... i just hope no one would understand, or at least that was what i wanted... i dont know why im difficult. why this is difficult. why i can be such a bloody coward... not being able to at least confront all of these... Suan le... but it just dont seem right...
im long ago ashamed of myself... this was what i became... i had to admit now...
im a horrible person... no wonder im alone, some people might say...
kaya siguro di ko matawagan si Rona kasi hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanya na ganito pala ako... she's my best friend (well aside from the supernatural God)... i had come to terms with that fact, lately... she's the only one that has been able to complete the sentences of my life... im afraid of what will happen and i dont want to be confident with the fact that she isnt like that...
but i wont cry... at least not a living soul would see me cry again... i will not and will ever cry... though im saying this more to my self than here in this blog...
the petty memories came rushing along with the realization that dawned on me when i saw those eyes... for a moment i thought of smiling but it seems that i cant pretend to... it terrifies me every time i remember... but mostly it hurts...
help...
enough...
...that was what the modern Hamlet thought when alas, he couldnt find a decent time to write his thoughts again and post it as a blog...
hehehehe
anyway, since my phonebook is really really really really really really crowded, thanks to my dear friend Rona!!!... i will post the quotes and some corny jokes she sent me to "brighten" my day...
in addition, i will also post something... i hope not too dramatic this time...
hahahaha...
its been a while, yes?
my LJ was terminated!!! sad!!! i wont be able to post more sad, private messages... i just hope no one will view it... arrrggghh!!!
for me, a person does not love another for a reason... you just love them...
i dont even know why i love 'em...
i just do....
or maybe there are no right words to say it...
note: i wanna let them know this so that when they leave, they'll know how i feel about them... its no big deal, really...
yeah... that's right... katangahan ang nangayaring yun... kaya i have learned my lesson: never walk backwards while talking to someone especially when the ground is sloping backwards...
its a good thing because:
1. hindi sa LB nangyari yun because i dont know if i can be able to show my face again there
2. wala si helia and other people i know that would really laugh their lungs out if ever na-witness nila ang scene
3. because there were people really concerned.. i just hope they werent laughing at my back.. although after we arrived at LB, the topic lasted for about a week pero feeling ko the scene is still fresh in their minds
4. buti nalang hanggang hita lang nung right foot ko ang nalaglag...
5. the camera was not damaged although i stink pretty bad [duh!! define IMBURNAL!!]
6. they still allowed me to change at the hotel kahit na double the maintenance price ang binayaran ko, and nasilipan pa ako ng isang guy in my underwear because they forgot to tell me i was changing my pants [stupid git!!!], they apologized...
yun... i wont mention the bad part... look at the bright side... at least meron na akong pampalit sa nangyari sakin five years ago [the mud slide scene].. yeah... great... as if.. T.T
the P-O-T:
hai naku... theyre still teasing me... whatever!!! basta i bought cute little pots at Mines View worth Php 5.00... galing noh!!! i wanna go back... but definitely not the imburnal part...
this was the first time i had a surprise party... im so happy because at least i know that there are people that cares for me... there were others that greeted me and kissed me... that was enough though...
but, the thing na medyo nakakafrustrate is fact that some of the people who were involved in giving me the surprise party will be leaving and i dont know if i can maintain any communication with those person... based on experience, people close to me who left, hindi na masyado ang communication... sometimes feeling ko di na interested yung tao makipag communicate... i just hope it wont come to that... as Prof Dacuma says: "...so that we wont drift apart."
if they think, i am not supporting their decision, theyre wrong... even though i want to stay close to them as possible [kahit na minsan medyo nao-OP, or im left behind], kung saan sila happy, im just there to support.
its just sad because i dont know if we can still hang out like we do... i dont know if we can give surprise parties to them and have occasional dinners... i dont know if we can still have great sem-enders... i dont know if there would still be people saying: "you know that person??!! [he/she's] my crush you know!!" and be proud of them... i dont know when will we be having great photos with real happy faces... i dont know if they will still be there cheering me up or asking me if i want to go out and have some coffee so that i can pour my heart out after a tough exam... i dont know if they can still remember me and the old me... i dont know if i could still hear you guys say: "i love you, HaLe!"
i was a loner and i liked it...
then i had you guys [you know who YOU are], i also liked it...
IF EVER ill return to being a loner, it would still be ok, but i would definitely remember the fun and the love that you have shared with me...
here goes the drama again... wala lang... i just had to write it down... i dont have the courage to say it unless you start... when Renz asked me why would he be the only one when i said: "i will definitely miss you..", there was an interuption but the answer was: "because, i love you because you're part of the legendary I-4L, and i still want to see you eat vegetables!" And this still doesnt mean that i wont miss Ate Rona... i love her too [duh!!]... di ko nasabi yun sa kanila... hmph!! ugh... no beads of tears on the cheek itong drama ko... i just want to pour this out through blog...
finally im going to admit it... i dont have the courage to say to a person what im feeling without the help of modern technology... unless the topic is started by another...
hai naku... still..... people get the wrong idea about me [ALL THE TIME!!!!]...
anyway guys... thank you... i hope next year mas masurprise ako... parang ngayon lang uli ako nag-commemorate ng araw ng pagtanda ko na di ako bitter dahil one year is being added to my age again... and i really really thank God for all the things that he has blessed me and has done for me.
